Have you ever felt like you’re always trying to make everyone else happy, even if it means you’re not so happy yourself? That’s called being a people pleaser. It’s like you’re always saying yes to others and putting what they want first. But guess what? It’s super important to think about what makes you happy, too.
Stop being a people pleaser by first recognizing that it’s okay to say no sometimes and that you’re just as important as anyone else. We’re going to talk about simple steps you can take to feel more comfortable doing what’s best for you, without feeling bad about it. It’s like learning to be your own superhero, standing up for your own happiness. We’ll explore easy ways to start putting yourself first in some situations, while still having healthy relationships with your friends and family members.
By the end of this guide, you’ll have some great tools to empower yourself and make choices that are good for you, not just everyone else. We’ll learn how to spot those moments when we’re just trying too hard to make other people happy or have the feeling that we need to please everyone around us, and what to do instead. It’s all about finding that sweet spot where you can be kind to others and to yourself.
What Is A People Pleaser?
Being a people pleaser means constantly prioritizing what others think and desire over your own. You may find yourself saying yes when you want to say no, fearing that others might dislike you. This can lead to doing things you don’t genuinely want to do, solely to make everyone happy.
Examples of people-pleasing behavior include:
- Difficulty saying no: You struggle to turn down requests, even when you really don’t want to do something.
- Fear of rejection: The thought of someone being upset with you or not liking you is really scary.
- You apologize often: Even when things aren’t your fault, you find yourself saying sorry.
- Undermines own needs: Your wants and needs get pushed aside in favor of what others need or want.
- Feel guilty when verbally disagreeing with people: Saying no comes with a big side of guilt because you’re worried about letting others down.
- Making ways to avoid confrontation: You steer clear of any situations that might lead to disagreements or discomfort.
It’s good to help others, but it’s also important to look after yourself. It’s okay to say no sometimes. This doesn’t make you selfish; it means you’re taking care of yourself, too. Remember, you can be a better friend when you’re happy and not too tired or stressed. Find out more about people-pleasing here.
How To Stop Being A People Pleaser?
Starting the journey to learn ‘how to stop being a people pleaser’ can feel like a big step, but it’s a path filled with growth and self-discovery. Understanding how to know if people-pleasing is a trauma response is important in this process. Below, you’ll find practical steps to help you along the way. Remember, each small change is a step towards a happier, more authentic you.
Set Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries, which means telling others what you’re okay with and what you’re not, is an important aspect of learning how to stop people-pleasing. It’s like having rules that help you feel safe and happy. You can start by thinking about things you don’t like doing and kindly setting boundaries with others. When you have these rules in place, it helps you not feel too tired or upset because you’re doing too much for others.
Try this: If someone asks you to do something when you’re already feeling overwhelmed, set boundaries by saying, “I really wish I could help, but I need to focus on some personal commitments right now.”
Recognize Your Choices
You always have a choice. Sometimes, it might not feel like it, but you can choose what you say yes or no to. Think about what you really want to do before you answer someone. This helps you do more of what makes you happy and less of what makes you feel tired or sad.
Try this: Before automatically saying yes to a request, take a moment to think about whether it’s something you truly want to do. If not, consider a polite way to decline.
Say No When Necessary
It’s okay to say no if you don’t want to do something. Saying no doesn’t mean you’re not nice. It means you’re being honest about what you can do. You can say no in a friendly way. Practice saying no to small things first. It becomes easier with time. Explore further in our article, “How To Say No.”
Try this: Next time you want to say no, try saying, “Thank you for thinking of me, but I can’t commit to that right now.”
Avoid Over-Apologizing
You don’t need to say sorry for having feelings or needing things. If you say no or set a boundary, you don’t have to apologize for it. Saying sorry too much can make it seem like your needs aren’t important. It’s okay to stand up for what you need without saying sorry.
Try this: Instead of saying, “I’m sorry, but I can’t,” try saying, “I won’t be able to make it, but I hope you have a great time!”
Stay True to Yourself
Remember what makes you special, and keep doing those things. Don’t change just to make someone else happy. It’s important to be yourself because that’s when you’re happiest. Your true friends will like you for who you are, not because you do everything they want. Here is a ‘core values list activity’ that can teach you how to stay true to yourself.
Try this: If you’re in a group where everyone is agreeing on a plan you don’t like, voice your opinion respectfully, “I value your insights, but my take on the subject is somewhat different.”
Embrace Discomfort
Sometimes, saying no or doing something different can feel weird or uncomfortable. That’s okay. It’s part of learning and growing. It might be strange at first, but you might end up liking it. Getting used to new things can make you stronger and happier.
Try this: Challenge yourself to decline a request that doesn’t align with your interests or needs. You could say, “After careful consideration, I respectfully disagree this time, but I hope you understand.”
Seek Professional Support
If you find it really hard to not always please people, talking to someone like a counselor or mental health therapist can help. They can give you advice and help you understand why you feel the way you do. It’s like having a coach who helps you learn to be the best you can be. Everyone needs help sometimes, and it’s okay to ask for it.
Try this: If you’re struggling, schedule an appointment with a counselor or therapist to talk about your desire to please others. They can offer strategies tailored to your personal experience.
What Are The Signs Of A People Pleaser?
Recognizing if you’re one of those people-pleasers is an important step toward better self-care. Understanding what causes people-pleaser behaviors can help you prioritize your well-being. It’s fine to help others, but not at the cost of your own health. Here are some signs that might indicate you’re putting everyone’s needs ahead of your own:
- Difficulty saying no: If you find it hard to say no even when you don’t want to do something, it might be a sign you’re trying too hard to please others.
- Feeling guilty for prioritizing yourself: If you feel bad whenever you take time for yourself or put your own needs first, it’s a common feeling among people pleasers.
- Low self-esteem: Thinking you’re not good enough or feeling low unless you’re making others happy can be a sign. Remember, your worth isn’t based on how much you do for others.
- Agreeing with everything: If you often agree with what others say, even if you don’t really think the same way, it might mean you’re trying to avoid conflict to keep them happy.
- Overcommitting: Saying yes to too many things can leave you feeling tired and stressed. It’s a sign you might be trying to please everyone at your own expense.
- Fear of rejection: Worrying that people won’t like you unless you do what they ask is a common concern for people pleasers.
- Frequently apologizing: If you say sorry a lot, even for things that aren’t your fault, it might mean you’re overly worried about upsetting others.
Final Thoughts
Remember that being kind and helpful is great, but taking care of yourself is just as important. It’s okay to say no and put your needs first sometimes. This doesn’t make you selfish; it makes you strong and healthy. You deserve to be authentically happy and feel good, just like everyone else.
Making changes and not making excuses might feel hard at first, but you can do it. Every step you take towards not being a people pleaser is a step towards a happier you. Don’t forget, you’re not alone in this. There are friends, family, and even professionals who can help you along the way. Keep going, and be proud of yourself for every small change you make.
Until next time,
