Some of us really like making others happy, even if it means we forget the importance of self-care and looking after ourselves. This is something called people pleasing. It’s when you try super hard to make sure everyone or people around you is happy and says good things about you. People-pleasing can sometimes stem from a fawn reaction, where we prioritize others’ needs over our own well-being.
People-pleasing happens for a few reasons. Sometimes, when we were growing up, we learned that being the reason someone smiles makes them like us more. Or we might worry that if we don’t always make others happy, they won’t want to be our friends. Also, some of us feel really good about ourselves when we know we’ve made someone else happy. This is what causes people-pleasing. It’s about wanting to be liked, not wanting to lose friends, and feeling good when others are happy because of us.
Understanding this about ourselves is really important. It helps us figure out how to be kind to others without forgetting to be kind to ourselves too. Remember that you’re awesome just the way you are, even if you’re not making everyone else happy all the time.
What Are The Root Causes of People Pleasing?
Childhood Experiences
As children, if we constantly receive praise and approval for doing what others want, we might believe that’s the only way to receive love. This can stick with us, making us feel like we have to please people to get that warm, fuzzy feeling of being liked or included. It’s like being in a play where we’re always trying to fit the role everyone else claps for, even if it doesn’t fit us.
But here’s the thing: what we learned when we were kids doesn’t have to decide how we act now. Realizing that we can be loved for just being ourselves, not only for doing what others want, is a big step. It’s about learning we’re awesome just the way we are, even if we’re not always putting on a show for others.
Culture and Socialization
The world in which we grew up teaches us a lot about how to act with friends and family. In some places, making sure everyone gets along and nobody feels bad is super important. This can make us think we’ve always got to put a smile on someone’s face to be a good friend or family member. It’s like playing a game where we think we need to score points by making others happy.
However, it’s okay to remember that being true to ourselves is just as important as getting along with everyone. It’s cool to be kind and thoughtful, but not at the cost of forgetting what makes us happy or what we need. Finding a balance between being a good friend and taking care of ourselves is the real win.
Low Self-Esteem
Feeling unsure about ourselves sometimes makes us go overboard in trying to make others happy, hoping it’ll make us feel better. It’s like if we can get enough people to like us, maybe we can like ourselves too. But basing our worth on what others think is unstable and can change at any time.
Learning to like ourselves for who we are, not just for the smiles we can put on others’ faces, is key. It’s about finding things we’re good at and things we like about ourselves that don’t depend on anyone else. This way, our happiness and confidence come from a solid place inside us.
Conflict Avoidance or “Fawning”
Nobody likes feeling uncomfortable or seeing others upset, and sometimes, we do whatever it takes to avoid that. This might mean saying “yes” when we want to say “no,” or keeping quiet about our own ideas. It’s like we’re always trying to smooth things over, even if it means not being true to what we really think or feel.
But facing a little bit of discomfort can actually be good for us. It helps us grow and learn that it’s okay to have different opinions. And guess what? Relationships can get stronger when we’re honest, even if it means going through some tough conversations first.
Sometimes we have learned from past experiences that avoiding confrontation is the safest way to handle a scary situation. Learning how to say no assertively can empower us to navigate conflicts and prioritize our own needs while fostering healthier relationships.
Fear of Rejection or Abandonment
The worry that people won’t like us if we don’t make them happy can be really scary. It can feel like we have to be on our best behavior all the time, just to make sure everyone keeps liking us. This fear can make us do all sorts of things we don’t want to, just to avoid feeling left out or alone.
It’s important to remember that real friends will like us for who we are, not just for the things we do for them. Being ourselves, even if it means not pleasing everyone all the time, is the best way to find out who our true friends are. And those are the friendships that really last.
In Response to Past Trauma
Sometimes, hard things that happened to us before can make us want to keep everyone else happy, thinking it’ll keep us safe. It’s like if we can just make sure everyone else is okay, we won’t have to feel scared or hurt again. We might work really hard at pleasing others as a way to protect ourselves.
Healing from these experiences and understanding that we deserve to be happy too is a big step. It’s okay to look after our own happiness and not just focus on everyone else’s. Getting help from a trusted friend and therapist can be a part of this journey, letting us find a way to be happy and safe without always having to please others.
What Experiences Activate The People-Pleaser “Fawn” Response?
Understanding the triggers behind people-pleasing behaviors can help us identify and address the underlying issues. This understanding is the first step in learning how to stop being a people pleaser. Here are some common experiences that often activate the people-pleaser response, each with its own set of challenges:
1. Parental Violence Exposure
- Witnessing violence at home can make children believe they need to please others to prevent conflict. They learn to avoid behaviors that might trigger aggression, thinking their actions can keep the peace.
2. Living with Emotionally Unavailable Parents
- Children may try to earn the love and attention of emotionally unavailable parents by pleasing them. This teaches them that affection must be earned through their behavior and accomplishments.
3. Narcissistic Relationships
- In relationships with narcissistic individuals, one might constantly strive to please them in the hope of gaining approval or affection. This creates a cycle of trying to meet unattainable standards for validation.
4. Parental Health Issues Impact
- Children with ill parents often feel they must be perfect and helpful to ease their parent’s suffering. They may believe their good behavior can make their parent’s condition better, putting pressure on themselves.
5. Parentified Child With an Alcoholic Parent
- Kids who grow up with an alcoholic parent often end up taking on adult roles, trying to keep the family happy and safe. They learned early that pleasing others might help avoid conflict or keep peace at home. This experience teaches them to put others’ needs before their own, a pattern that can stick with them as they get older, often setting their own needs aside.
These experiences shape the people-pleaser response, highlighting the importance of understanding and compassion in overcoming these patterns. You can also explore our article on How to know if people-pleasing behavior is a trauma response, so you can gain valuable insights into the connection between people-pleasing tendencies and past traumatic experiences.
What Are The Impacts of Being a People-Pleaser?
Being one of the people-pleasers might seem like a good thing at first, but it can have some surprising downsides. When we spend too much time and energy trying to make everyone else happy, we may even start to feel some negative effects in our own lives. Here’s a look at what can happen when we put too much focus on pleasing others, from feeling stressed and tired to having trouble in our relationships:
1. Stress
- Trying to make everyone happy all the time can be really stressful. It’s like carrying a heavy backpack that gets more stuff added to it every day.
2. Tiredness
- Always thinking about what others want can make you feel super tired, not just in your body but in your mind too. It’s important to set limits and prioritize your own needs as well.
3. Self-Neglect
- When you’re busy taking care of everyone else, you might forget to nurture your own self-worth and take care of yourself.
4. Resentment
- Sometimes, when you do a lot for others and it seems like they don’t notice, it can make you feel anger, unhappy and unappreciated leading to being resentful.
5. Relationship Problems
- If you’re always trying to please others, your friends and family might not get to know the real you. This can make it hard to have real, close relationships.
6. Loss of Identity
- Spending all your time trying to be what others want can make you forget what you like and who you are.
7. Role Conflict
- Trying to be everything to everyone can get confusing. It’s like trying to play every role in a play at the same time.
8. Enabling Others
- Sometimes, by trying too hard to please, you might end up making choices that aren’t good for you or even for the people you’re trying to “help”. Many times, enabling behaviors can make things like substance use become more common or accepted.
Understanding these impacts can help us see the importance of balancing care for others with care for ourselves, and finding healthy ways to cope with the challenges that arise.
Final Thoughts
Recognizing the toll that being a people-pleaser can take on our well-being is the first step towards creating a healthier balance in our lives. It’s important to remember that it’s okay to set boundaries and say no sometimes. This doesn’t make us selfish or unkind; it means we’re taking care of our own needs too. Learning to find this balance is crucial for our mental health and for building stronger, more genuine relationships with those around us.
Start by taking small steps, like visiting a mental health therapist, which is one way to prioritize your own needs alongside others’. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but with time, it will become easier. Remember, your worth is not defined by how much you do for others but by being your authentic self. By giving yourself the same kindness and understanding you offer to others, you’ll discover a more fulfilling and balanced way of living.
Until next time,
