I would be surprised if you hadn’t heard of the term self-compassion before. This term can be off-putting for some people. I’m not sure why, but I have found that people tend to get frustrated when it comes to self-love or self-compassion.
So if this idea makes you frustrated, you are in good company!
What is self compassion? Self-compassion is the act of acknowledging the critical thoughts you may be having about yourself and then making the mindful choice to not act on them. Examples of judgments we often find ourselves making are “I am a bad partner” or “I am a bad person” or “I am a good employee”. At its simplest form, someone being self-compassionate would instead say “I am a partner”, “I am a person”, and “I am an employee”. With self-compassion, there is no good or bad, there just is.
Self-Compassion Is Not the Same As Self-Love: It is Self-Kindness
You may have heard the saying “love yourself”. Don’t worry, that’s not what self-compassion is. I felt it was important to say that right off because that saying is usually what causes people to reject the idea of self-compassion.
Self-love has been described in many ways. It is an important thing, but for some, it can feel far away. If you are feeling this way, you are not alone.
I want you to know that self-love is a good thing, but it probably isn’t going to be happening in the first steps of your mental health/self-improvement journey. And that is okay. We need to start somewhere, right? Let’s start by just being kind to ourselves.
I like to take the perspective of our life having multiple journeys. Mental health is one of them. I will talk more about this journey later.
For many, self-love is a goal that comes further into their journey of self-improvement. If self-compassion isn’t self-love, then what is it? Where does self-compassion come in?
What Is Self Compassion and How Do We It?
Self-compassion is something that can feel more attainable than self-love. Because of this, it can come earlier in our journey towards self-improvement. But don’t worry, one needs self-compassion before they can practice self-love. They are both related.
I like to describe self-compassion as getting rid of the ideas of good and bad in ourselves. Have you ever noticed looking at an aspect of your body, the size of your biceps, or the number of friends you have and thought “that’s no good”, “I need more”, or ”I am no good”?
I am sure you have; I have. These thoughts are 100% normal when it comes to being human. It’s what comes next that is important. If we are practicing self-compassion with these thoughts, we would use mindfulness tp reframe them by telling ourselves “says who?”.
Instead of buying into these negative thoughts, we can use mindfulness to reframe them by looking at what we think. While training our brains to be more compassionate, get rid of the idea of things being good and bad. Instead of being good or bad, things just are.
Remember, you aren’t a good or bad spouse; you are a spouse. You are not a good or bad student; you are a student. You aren’t a good or a bad person, you are a person.
Framing things like this can help us push through those negative or self-critical thoughts that get in the way of self-compassion.
Why Is Self Compassion and Self-Acceptance Important?
If you haven’t figured out by now, self-compassion is important to me, and the work I do as a therapist. I think everyone can benefit from practicing self-compassion.
We have been trained all our lives to listen and put stock into what others think of us. After so much of this, we have almost internalized these critical thoughts. Have you ever heard someone say, “I am my own worst critic”? That is what I am talking about.
If we never use self-compassion, this self-criticism can be overwhelming. Left unaddressed, these thoughts can leave you feeling enormous amounts of anxiety, depression, and an overall lack of satisfaction. These thoughts can also leave you feeling disconnected in relationships and with the feeling of being on an island.
Self-compassion is important because it helps us begin the process of addressing these critical thoughts. By addressing these thoughts with self-compassion, people can start looking more critically at these messages. All of a sudden this abstract thing that has been internalized and be named and worked on. We can begin to lean into our imperfections by practicing self-kindness
Self-compassion is the key to continuing your journey towards living a healthier and more meaningful life.
How Mindfulness and Self Compassion Helps Confront Negativity
Self-Judgment and fixation on our shortcomings are part of the shared human experience. Usually, is in these painful thoughts of our inadequacy that motivate us. The issue here is that inner critic often leave us feeling overly negative can leave us stuck.
Mindful self-compassion can help us feel less limited by our thoughts and feelings. It can help us feel more positive, and feel better able to adopt a growth mindset. If you are interested in self-compassion exercises to silence that inner critic, take a look at this article I wrote.
But how can you begin to adopt that growth mindset? Keep reading to learn how.
What Are the First Steps To Increase Self-Compassion?
By finding this article, you have already started the first step for building self-compassion. You are becoming aware of what it is and it’s benefits for you. After reading his article, take what you have learned and implement it!
The first major step to building self-compassion is simply getting rid of the critical thoughts and feelings of good and bad. Stop inspecting and critiquing parts/aspects of yourself as good and bad. They are not good or bad, they are simply you. At the very beginning, just think of this as an experiment.
This can take a long time to do since those negative emotions were engrained in us over a lifetime! That’s why this is an experiment, Rome wasn’t built in a day, right? Keep working at it; you are trying. If you are honestly trying, that is good enough. Remember, this negativity is a shared human experience.
While you are putting that effort in, pay attention to what brings up those critical thoughts. Is it when you make mistakes? Remember, we aren’t getting rid of those thoughts, we are adjusting how we react to them.
Do the thoughts come up when your partner says something to you? Do they come up when your boss gives you feedback? Or do they come up when someone says thank you and congratulates on your great work?
By paying attention to these things, I think you are going to be surprised by what you find out. You are gathering information. Everything you learn during this journey/experiment will be useful to you in the future. Another great way of gathering information is this article where I walk you through an activity I do often with clients. That activity will give you a better sense of yourself. Sometimes the “self” is the hard part of “self-compassion”.
Final Thoughts:
Self-compassion is something that I talk about a lot with my therapy clients. It’s so important. We are almost trained to think critically of ourselves as we go about our lives. Self-compassion is acknowledging those negative thoughts, but not buying into them.
Instead of having critical thoughts and continuing to critique, using self-compassion gets rid of that need to critique ourselves in the first place.
Because these thoughts have been ingrained in us over our lives, they can be hard to deprogram. But it is possible. Take the time to sit with these critical thoughts. Where do they come up? Who brings them up? Then make the conscious choice to not pass critical judgment on yourself. You are showing yourself compassion.
I hope this article has gotten you thinking about this important topic! Remember, just putting in the effort is good enough.
Until next time,
