Some of us really enjoy making others happy, even if it means we forget to take care of ourselves. This is known as people-pleasing. It’s when you try really hard to make sure everyone around you is happy and thinks well of you. Sometimes, what causes people-pleasing is a deep need to put others first, even if it’s not good for our own well-being.
People-pleasing can happen for a few different reasons. Sometimes, as kids, we learned that making someone smile made them like us more. Or we might worry that if we don’t keep others happy, they won’t want to be our friends. Some of us also feel really good when we know we’ve made someone else happy. These are the things that cause people-pleasing. It’s about wanting to be liked, not wanting to lose friends, and feeling good when we make others happy.
Understanding this about ourselves is really important. It helps us learn how to be kind to others without forgetting to be kind to ourselves too. Remember, you’re amazing just the way you are, even if you’re not making everyone else happy all the time.
What Causes People-Pleasing?
Childhood Experiences
When we’re kids, if we get a lot of praise and approval for doing what others want, we might start thinking that’s the only way to be loved. This needs to please others can stick with us as we grow up, making us feel like we have to make people happy to be liked or included. It’s like always trying to play a part, even if it doesn’t really fit who we are.
But what we learned as kids doesn’t have to control how we act now. Realizing that we can be loved just for being ourselves, not only for pleasing other people, is a big step. It’s about knowing that we’re worthy just as we are, even if we’re not always trying to make others happy.
Culture and Socialization
The world around us teaches us a lot about how to interact with others. In some cultures, it’s really important to keep the peace and avoid conflict, which can lead to people-pleasing tendencies. This can make us think we have to always make others happy to be a good friend or family member, creating a response to trauma from feeling pressured to conform.
But it’s essential to remember that being true to ourselves is just as important as making others happy. It’s great to be kind, but not if it means neglecting our own needs and desires. Finding a balance between being a good friend and taking care of ourselves is the real win.
Low Self-Esteem
When we don’t feel good about ourselves, we might try really hard to make others happy, hoping it will make us feel better. This attempt to please others is like thinking that if enough people like us, maybe we can like ourselves too. But this doesn’t work because our worth shouldn’t depend on what others think.
Learning to like ourselves for who we are, not just for making others happy, is key. It’s about finding things we’re good at and things we like about ourselves that don’t rely on validation from others. This way, our happiness and confidence come from within.
Conflict Avoidance or “Fawning”
Nobody likes feeling uncomfortable or seeing others upset, so sometimes we do whatever it takes to avoid that. This might mean saying “yes” when we want to say “no,” or staying quiet about what we really think, which can lead to resentment. It’s like trying to keep things smooth, even if it means not being true to ourselves.
But facing a little discomfort can be good for us. It helps us grow and learn that it’s okay to have different opinions. Setting boundaries and being honest can strengthen relationships, even if it means going through some tough talks first.
Sometimes we have learned from past experiences that avoiding confrontation is the safest way to handle a scary situation. Learning how to say no assertively can empower us to navigate conflicts and prioritize our own needs while fostering healthier relationships.
Fear of Rejection or Abandonment
The fear that people won’t like us if we don’t make them happy can be really scary. It can feel like we have to be on our best behavior all the time just to avoid feeling left out or alone. This fear can make us do things we don’t want to, just to avoid rejection.
It’s important to remember that real friends will like us for who we are, not just for what we do for them. Being ourselves, even if it means not pleasing everyone all the time, is the best way to find out who our true friends are.
In Response to Past Trauma
Sometimes, past trauma can make us want to keep everyone else happy, thinking it will keep us safe. It’s like if we can just make sure everyone else is okay, we won’t have to feel scared or hurt again. This response to trauma might lead us to work hard at pleasing others as a way to protect ourselves.
Healing from these experiences and understanding that we deserve to be happy too is a big step. Self-care and getting help from a trusted friend or therapist can be part of this journey, allowing us to find a way to be happy and safe without always having to please others.
What Experiences Activate The People-Pleaser “Fawn” Response?
Understanding the triggers behind people-pleasing behaviors can help us figure out why we act this way and how to change it. Knowing these triggers is the first step in learning how to stop being a people pleaser. When kids see violence at home, it can be really scary and confusing. They might start thinking that if they keep everyone happy, the violence will stop, and things will be calm. Over time, they may develop a habit of trying to please others to avoid making anyone angry, believing that keeping everyone else happy is the only way to stay safe.
Kids who grow up with emotionally distant parents often feel a strong need to earn their love and attention. They might think that if they behave perfectly or achieve something special, they will finally get the affection they crave. This can lead to people-pleasing behavior, where they always try to do what others want in the hope of being loved and accepted. As adults, they may struggle to believe they are worthy of love just as they are, without having to prove themselves.
In relationships with narcissists, people often feel like they have to please the other person to gain approval or affection constantly. Narcissists can set impossible standards, making their partners feel like they are never good enough. This creates a cycle where the partner keeps trying harder and harder to please, hoping to receive the love and validation they seek finally. Over time, this can wear down their self-esteem, making them feel like their only value comes from making the narcissist happy.
When kids grow up with a parent who is sick or has a drinking problem, they often feel like they have to be good and helpful to make things better. They might take on adult responsibilities, thinking that if they are perfect, they can help their parents feel better or keep the family from falling apart. As they get older, this habit of putting others first continues, even if it hurts their own well-being. They need to learn that they aren’t responsible for making everyone else happy and that it’s okay to focus on their own needs and happiness.
Final Thoughts
People-pleasing can feel like a natural way to keep others happy and avoid conflict, but it often comes at the cost of our own well-being. It’s important to remember that while it’s good to be kind and helpful, we don’t need to sacrifice our own needs or happiness to do so. Understanding the reasons behind people-pleasing behaviors is the first step in learning how to break free from these patterns and start taking care of ourselves.
As you reflect on your own experiences, try to be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to say “no” sometimes and to put your own needs first. You deserve to be happy and loved just as you are, without having to prove yourself to others. Remember, taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. If you find it hard to change these habits on your own, don’t hesitate to reach out for support. A therapist or trusted friend can help guide you on your journey to finding balance and self-acceptance.
Until next time,
