I get asked all of the time, “what is the most important I can do to be mentally healthy”, This can be a hard question to answer because there is no way to prove one way or another. This article is based on my experiences working with people and how I view this question when working with clients.
The most important aspect of being mentally healthy is the authentic connection to yourself and others. This means accepting yourself for your authentic self. This also means surrounding yourself with people who you feel comfortable being 100% yourself around. The people are the ones that will help you be authentically yourself.
Through my experiences working with people who have survived all kinds of things, there is always one thing that becomes apparent. When we are struggling the most, we also feel the most isolated and misunderstood. When someone is feeling that lonely, I have found it can help to focus on connection.
The Struggle To Connect With Others Can Lead To Psychological Problems
If you feel like you have been struggling to connect to others, you are not alone. Whether it is social anxiety or being an introvert, you are not alone. When someone wants to connect but can’t it can feel discouraging, isolating, and often leave them feeling hopeless. Worse yet, is when you are surrounded by friends but still feel alone or like none of them see or accept the “true” you.
If these patterns continue, it can lead to anxiety, depression, and an increase in avoidance. Not fun. Don’t worry, though, you are loveable. You are deserving of unconditional acceptance. You will find a way to connect with others. Authentic connection to others can being powerful, healing, and encouraging.
Depression specifically can make it hard to connect with new people. That lack of energy can feel insurmountable at times. That depression can also make use feel like we are not worthy of connection. But like I said, you are. I know it.
So with all of that being said, let’s look at some of the ways we can make a meaningful change.
What Is Authentic Human Connection:
Authentic connections are the most important aspect of staying mentally healthy.
It can be an abstract concept. I am going to do my best to make it as concrete as possible. I have a few aspects of authentic connection that I want to talk about.
- The Difference Between Your Internal Experience and External Experience
- The Importance of Feeling Accepted As You Are
- No Need For Shame Or Guilt
- The Acceptance Of the Way Things Are
The Difference Between Your Internal Experience And External Experience:
As we go through life, we are almost living in two different experiences. We are experiencing what others see of us and what we are putting out into the world, and we are experiencing what we keep internalized. Because of different life events, sometimes people can get the message that certain emotions or thoughts are not safe to put out into the world.
When someone feels it’s not safe, they may keep certain things to themselves. An example is a young man who cries at a funeral (external), and is told: “men don’t cry”. This guy may move on from this event warry of who he expresses emotion in front of (keeping it internal). Sometimes trauma can also impact this.
The further apart these internal and external experiences are, the less connected/more isolated people can feel. Some of the work that you can do on your own or with a mental health professional is bringing these two experiences together.
To me, this is where the authentic piece comes in. The closer the internal and external experiences are for a person, the more AUTHENTIC they are.
I do want to say, your internal and external experiences will never be the same. There are some things we think or experience internally that go best unsaid… 😊 Sometimes we need to keep things private to protect ourselves. Boundaries are important after all! But see if you can’t deepen your connection with someone in your life already by allowing them to hear what you actually think.
The Importance Of Feeling Accepted As You Are In Deeper Relationships
Being accepted as you are is a big part of an authentic connection with others. Unconditional acceptance Part of being authentically connected means that you can be yourself, and the other person still accept you for it. There is no pressure to be or not to be something.
In the example earlier, the guy who cried at the funeral was not accepted as his authentic self by the other person. As you may have guessed, this is would not be a good person to have in your circle if your goal is an authentic connection.
Take a second to think about people you have in your inner circle. Do they accept you as you are? Are there any unspoken rules for your relationship? Are you free to be unapologetically you? The most rewarding social relationships are the ones we feel safe enough to show up as ourselves, without the fear of judgement.
No Need For Shame Or Guilt
Shame and guilt play no role in authentic connection. Shame is such a powerful word, but for the sake of this article, I am thinking of it as meaning “not being good enough” or “owing others”. It is hard for one to be authentic when they are always feeling they are not good enough.
In my experience, these feelings can come from some pretty dark places. Shame and guilt are some of the more common topics in my work with clients. There have been many times they were at the center of an issue but were disguised as something else like anger or loss.
If you have ever made a mistake and felt that it was your fault because you should have done x, y, and z, that’s shame. It can creep in without anyone ever saying a thing, and that is what makes it so powerful.
Because these feelings are so powerful, they are the biggest barriers getting in the way of authentic social connection and closeness. Noticing it happening and addressing it for what it is will be your first steps.
Addressing this shame and guilt can be some tough work because its roots are too deep and dark. It is possible. By working with someone safe, a lot of progress can be made. I could, and will write many articles on this very topic. But for now, know that that just looking at your shame and guilt and thinking “man, I want to work on that” is a huge step.
The Acceptance Of the Way Things Are
Acceptance of the way things are can feel weird. It can feel like we are either giving in or settling. I will say, in some ways that’s true, but hear me out. If we are always looking three steps ahead and trying to improve our situations and what is going on around us, a few things happen. It is has to connect with others if we are not present, right?
First, people are probably going to feel we think that we are better and more worthy than everyone else. That isn’t a great look. There won’t be many good, healthy connections will be created with that.
Secondly, we may be seen as always on the go or avoiding the present. You have probably run into this person before. They were that person who always seemed distant or was constantly planning. Sometimes you me see them as the person who is always talking, and rarely listening.
By accepting the way things are, we aren’t settling for the way things are, we are embracing the way things are.
Take a second to think about that. This is a major point to mull over. Acceptance of the way things will send signals to those in your life that you are willing to be authentic. The most fulfilling social interactions happen when both people are present.
Tips For Connecting: How And Where Do I Start?
With all of this, you may be feeling a little overwhelmed. I don’t blame you! This is a lot of stuff! But I want to make this easy on you. I want you to start this process of finding an authentic relationship with yourself.
Start With Finding An Authentic Relationship With Yourself
Before you start looking anywhere else, look inward. An authentic connection is a two-way street. With each relationship (street) this will be one consistent thing.
The one variable that is consistent between all your relationships is yourself. Okay, before you click the back button, read the next two lines.
In relationships, we tend to attract people into our lives that we relate with on some level. If we are always playing games, we will attract others who are playing those same games. If we are working on being authentic with those around us, we will attract others who are doing the same.
Finding this authentic connection with ourselves is going to look different for everyone. In many cases, it is going to start with honesty and acceptance.
We need to be honest with ourselves. We need to be honest about what we see as important, replaceable, irreplaceable, and interesting. Once we can honestly look at ourselves and get rid of the weight of what society/others think, we can move towards acceptance.
This acceptance means honestly looking at who we are, and just being okay with that. It means looking in the mirror, and resisting that knee-jerk reaction of “if only I could…”. This is self-compassion at it’s purest form.
This is a lifelong process, but this is how it all begins. Make a conscious decision to embrace honesty and acceptance. Start this process by taking a look at this article, where I outline an activity I use with many of my clients.
Find An Authentic Relationship With A Close Friend Or Partner
After you have spent some time working on self-honesty and self-acceptance, the next step is expanding that circle a little. Authentically connect with people. It is really important you don’t move on to this phase before you have to practice an authentic relationship with yourself.
Again, authentic connection is going to look a little different for every relationship. But every authentic relationship will have open and genuine communication. In past relationships, you may have said or done things for other people to either impress, woo or entice them.
The new authentic version of you is going to focus on being genuine. If the friend or partner you are trying to be more authentic with has been in your life since you began this journey, you can probably expect some pushback.
The change will probably feel uncomfortable for them, so they are probably going to try and get you to act like your old self. This is normal. Just continue being open with them, and keep being true to what you want.
Start Practicing Authentic Connection With Others
It is time to socialize! After practicing being authentic with one person in your life, you have probably noticed how it makes you feel. You are probably thinking you are ready to try it in other places in your life.
First of all, that’s awesome and kudos. That took a lot of work! Slowly start to expand this circle of authenticity. You are going to find that certain people just aren’t receptive to it.
This is because it is a change, and people don’t like to change. And that’s okay. By moving one person at a time, you are slowly turning your world into a more authentic place. At the beginning of your journey, you may have thought that you had no control over your life and what is going on in/around it. But now you see just how much control you do have.
Final Thoughts:
Remember that this stuff isn’t easy. Think of everything you are doing as practice. It is impossible to be 100% authentic all the time. No one is perfect. By being mindful of what you are trying to achieve, you are already ahead of most other people.
We have more control over our lives than we may think. By choosing to live authentically, we are choosing to take some of the control back in our lives by, strangely, choosing to not control.
This is an exciting and fulfilling journey to be on. If you have started it, congratulations. Keep going! If you have not started this journey, I hope you found this article useful, and I am excited for what the future holds for you. If you want a compassionate person on your side I would be happy to help. Do not be afraid to reach out for help.
Until next time,
