Relationships are filled with ups and downs. Some of us have tough things from our past, such as an abusive relationship or another traumatic event. So, when old traumas sneak into our new relationships, how do we handle them?
Trauma in relationships can often cause past traumas to resurface within our current connections, leading us to react intensely to minor incidents or struggle with trust. However, through effective communication, understanding, and support, coupled with professional therapy, we can navigate these challenging emotions. This proactive approach enables us to forge strong, loving relationships, overcoming the impacts of past traumas.
In this article, we’ll explore how traumas in relationships affects new relationships and ways to heal and grow together. I spent time including many books and authors, so you know that there is hope for the things you are struggling with. Your story is just beginning. As Dr. Brené Brown says, “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”
Why Does Emotional and Psychological Trauma in Relationship Linger in Our Minds?
Have you ever thought about why some memories, especially the hurtful ones from traumatic and abusive events, stay with us? Some memories fade, but trauma in relationships, especially those experienced in abusive relationships, often remains clear. One reason is that our brain and body hold onto these memories to protect us.
If a traumatic incident happens, our brain doesn’t forget easily, which can be a trauma response. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk talks about this in his book “The Body Keeps the Score.” He mentions how trauma can affect our minds and bodies, possibly leading to post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms.
There’s hope, though. Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, in “Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation,” believes that even if you’ve experienced trauma, especially trauma in relationships, you can change how it affects your relationship.
Traumas might stay in our thoughts and feelings, but they don’t need to rule our lives or overshadow the potential for a healthy relationship. With some healthy boundaries, effort, support, understanding from a partner, and time, we can lessen their hold on us, connect with others, and building trust and safety in our interpersonal relationships.
What Are The Common Ways Trauma In Relationships Can Manifest?
Trauma can impact us in many subtle ways. It is strange because its effects, especially the effects of trauma on relationships, are often below the surface and hard to notice. Trauma often leads to unhelpful patterns stemming from things we are not aware of.
One of the most common ways I see trauma manifest in relationships is through our emotional reactions. We might easily get triggered and upset over little things or experience a loss of trust, making it hard for our partners to understand. Past traumatic events or relationship trauma can be the reason for this.
An overall difficulty in trusting, and being chronically depressed, possibly due to past abusive relationship experiences, is another challenging pattern to overcome. Some of us might keep our distance, afraid of emotional intimacy, while others could seek constant reassurance. You may find your protective walls are too tall, especially if you’ve experienced trauma, or you may find you do not have any.
Unexpected memories, especially those stemming from childhood trauma or past traumatic incidents, can also impact our sense of safety within a relationship. A certain scent or sound can suddenly trigger a traumatic response, taking us back to an old event. Recognizing these memories and understanding trauma means we’re making progress.
It’s important to recognize that these feelings and flashbacks are common trauma responses. They’re reminders of events from our past that we still need to come to terms with. Sometimes, facing them head-on, possibly with a trauma therapist or couples therapist, is an important step toward a brighter and more peaceful future.
How To Handle Trauma Responses and Triggers in Relationships
Relationships have their ups and downs. There might be moments when old memories or feelings surface. If these are intense and unwanted, this is called a trigger. However, with understanding and the right strategies, we can navigate these challenges.
Seeking help is crucial. Bessel van der Kolk emphasized,
“Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”
Whether it’s friends, family, or professionals, their support can be important in managing trauma responses.
Knowing our triggers is also crucial. When we know what might cause distress, we can either avoid certain situations or approach them cautiously. Sharing these triggers with our partners can foster understanding and support.
Remember, every day brings new possibilities. Our feelings and situations can evolve. We can achieve security in our relationships with patience, understanding, and assistance.
How Trauma Can Create and Cause Negative Patterns in Relationships
Relationships require mutual understanding and respect to form a healthy unit. However, trauma can disrupt this rhythm, introducing negative patterns. Trauma can impact our behaviors in relationships, leading some to become too clingy or too distant.
Dr. Andrea Brandt highlighted trauma’s effects on relationships in a post on Psychology Today. She pointed out that trauma might cause individuals to repeat certain behaviors unintentionally. Such repetition arises from hope for positive change.
It’s important to recognize and understand the influence of trauma on our actions. As the saying goes, “Awareness is the first step to change.” By addressing our traumas, we can foster healthier interactions in our relationships. While trauma can influence our behaviors, with understanding, love, and proper guidance, we can build strong, harmonious relationships.
What’s the Connection Between Childhood Trauma and Difficulty In Adult Relationships?
Childhood memories, both good and bad, can significantly influence our adult lives. Especially when it comes to relationships, past painful experiences can shape how we interact and connect.
Childhood experiences lay the groundwork for our adult behaviors. If adverse events occurred during our formative years, they could impact our adult relationships. Dr. Jonice Webb, author of “Running on Empty,” notes, unmet childhood needs can become powerful adult emotional patterns. This suggests that unresolved childhood traumas can manifest in our adult interactions.
However, there’s potential for healing. Dr. Bruce Perry highlights in “The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog” that “recovery begins with connections.” Understanding our past and establishing meaningful, healthy relationships in adulthood can help us address and overcome these challenges.
Childhood shapes us, but it doesn’t define us. With understanding, self-awareness, and maybe a little help, we can build strong and loving adult relationships.
How Do Trauma Bonds Form in Relationships?
When two people experience a traumatic event together, they can form a deeper connection than usual. This emotional reaction, known as a trauma bond, can make it hard for someone to see the effects of trauma on relationships. It emerges when pain and love mix, leading to a bond that may be difficult to recognize, especially if the person has unresolved trauma.
Dr. Patrick Carnes, an expert on addiction and recovery, introduced the concept of “trauma bonding” in his book, The Betrayal Bond. He described how trauma can affect our interpersonal relationships, making us feel tied to an abusive partner. These bonds act like chains, holding someone to a person who may not be good for their mental health. Because of the blend of love and pain, these trauma-informed bonds are challenging to break.
Realizing you’re within the context of a trauma bond is a significant first step toward healing. Dr. Karyl McBride points out that understanding trauma and its effects is crucial. With the right support, such as seeing a trauma therapist or attending couples therapy, anyone can transition from traumatic and abusive bonds to a healthy relationship.
How do I recognize if a Current Relationship is Re-traumatizing?
Sometimes, in relationships, certain behaviors can remind us of past hurts. It’s crucial to be aware of these signs. Dr. Judith Herman highlights that the survivor needs the help of an enlightened witness to validate her reality. An enlightened witness might be a friend, family member, or therapist who can help recognize if a relationship is causing harm.
One sign of a traumatizing relationship is feeling constantly uneasy or unsafe. My hope is that your relationships are a place of safety. Dr. Brené Brown, in her book Daring Greatly, mentions that “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” If you’re afraid to show your true self to your partner, it’s time to reflect. Is it because of that past stuff? Or is it because they don’t appreciate the true you?
Trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, reach out for support. Talking to someone you trust or seeking professional guidance is crucial. Everyone has the right to a relationship where they feel seen, secure, valued, and loved.
Can Love Heal from Unresolved Traumas, or Does It Complicate Them?
Love is something we strive for in our lives. But the big question is: does love always heal?
Dr. Judith Herman, in her pioneering work Trauma and Recovery, says, “The survivor comes to believe that the feelings of love, intimacy, and trust are the most dangerous ones of all.” For people who experience trauma, love can bring up a lot of fears. For them, love can sometimes be overwhelming.
Yet, when love is combined with understanding and patience, it can heal. As Dr. Brené Brown expresses in The Gifts of Imperfection, “Love and belonging are essential to the human experience.” They have the potential to mend wounds, but they must be approached with care.
So, can love heal past traumas? Sort of. Love has the potential to heal unresolved traumas. However, it takes more than just love. It’s also about actions, understanding, respect, and patience. With these components, love can be the powerful healing force we hope for.
How Can Partners Support Each Other in Healing from Trauma In a Relationship?
Support is crucial in relationships, especially when one person seeks healing. In these moments, the presence and understanding of the other partner can make a significant difference.
Dr. John Gottman, an expert on relationships and the author of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” states that “being there for each other is the core of love and the fuel of resilience.” True support extends beyond mere presence; it involves active listening, patience, and displaying kindness in tough times.
Similarly, Dr. Sue Johnson, a renowned clinical psychologist, mentions in “Hold Me Tight” that “love is the best survival mechanism there is.” This love empowers partners to journey through the healing process collaboratively.
Every healing journey is individual, but with mutual respect, understanding, and love, partners can serve as invaluable allies to each other.
How Does Therapy Help Reduce Trauma’s Impact On Relationships
Think of therapy as a flashlight in a dark room. Sometimes, our traumas are like items scattered in this room. We might trip over or stumble over them. But with the help of therapy, we can shine a light, see them clearly, and find a way to navigate.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, in his groundbreaking book The Body Keeps the Score, emphasizes, “In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them.” Therapy provides the space to gain this awareness. It offers tools to understand and process feelings, making relationships more manageable and healthier.
But therapy isn’t just for the individual. Couples therapy, as highlighted by Amy Bloom. She suggests, “In a true partnership, the kind worth striving for, the kind worth insisting on, and even, frankly, worth divorcing over, both people try to give as much or even a little more than they get.” Therapy can guide couples to this balance, helping them work together to understand and heal from past-traumatic events in their lives.
Choosing therapy is like picking up that flashlight. It’s a brave step, one that can light up the path to stronger, more understanding relationships.
Final Thoughts
Navigating relationships, especially when past traumas come into play, can feel like journeying through a maze. But remember, every turn and twist offers a chance for growth, understanding, and deeper connection. The eminent psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel, in his book Mindsight, says, “When we attune with others, we allow our own internal state to shift and come to resonate with the inner world of another.” This beautiful dance of attunement in relationships, understanding each other’s pasts, and working together, can pave the way for healing and shared growth.
In your journey, don’t hesitate to seek support, embrace the lessons, and cherish the moments of understanding and love. Relationships can indeed be the balm that soothes past wounds, but it takes patience, insight, and effort. As Maya Angelou beautifully put it, “Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, and penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” With the right tools and mindset, love can be the beacon guiding you through the complexities of trauma toward a harmonious future.
Until next time,
