If you are reading this post, you are probably considering having a tough conversation sometime soon. Whether the talk is to let your partner know you are struggling, need support, or something has not been working, and change is needed, you are probably feeling pretty nervous. All are hard because they require you to be vulnerable, honest, and not play games.
Initiating a conversation to ask for help, change, or support from your partner is a key step in any relationship. It’s important to express your needs clearly, using ‘I’ statements, and recognizing that their response is beyond your control. Some suggestions for starting the talk are, “At some point today, could we talk about…” or “I had something I wanted to talk to you about, I have been struggling with …”
The bulk of what I will be talking about in this article is called effective communication. If you want to learn more, check out this article where I talk more about effective communication and the importance of authenticity.
What Can Be Gained If You Ask For Help?
If you are in the place right now where you are feeling like you need to have a hard conversation with your partner, you are probably feeling pretty far out of your comfort zone. You are also probably feeling like it would be easier to just not have it. I want you to know that this is something that is not easy for anyone. Admitting that you need help is not fun, but it is so important.
It actually takes an incredible amount of strength to ask for support. There is a lot to be gained by asking for help or making changes. First of all, just feeling heard is so important. If we never start the conversation, we are never giving ourselves a chance to be heard and have our needs met.
Also by approaching your partner to ask for support or change, you will be inviting greater intimacy into your relationship. By intimacy, I am talking about emotional intimacy. In my opinion, emotional intimacy is one of the most important factors in a strong and healthy relationship. You could come out of the conversation feeling heard and supported.
If you never have the conversation, I can promise that nothing will change. If you keep avoiding that talk, it is possible for things to just keep getting worse. But you are here because you want a change from the way things have been going.
How to Prepare for the Conversation
It sounds silly, but the most important part of this conversation is actually having it. At the very least, promise to yourself that you will have it. Just like setting boundaries, sometimes important things are hard to do.
Now that You know what you stand to gain by asking for help or change, I want to make sure you have the right mindset going in. Let’s talk about some of the things that we need to keep in mind for the talk to go well. First, let’s talk about what your expectations need to be going into this conversation.
Expect to Feel Nervous and Vulnerable When Asking For Help
First of all, you are probably going to feel pretty vulnerable initially. That is completely normal if you ask for help. If you didn’t have that feeling of vulnerability, that may be a sign that you need to check your intentions.
When we talk about things that are close to the heart and authentic to what we feel, it’s almost expected to get those nervous and vulnerable feelings. They are a good thing! Think of them as your body validating how important this conversation is.
What Can You Expect From Your Partner After?
I also think it’s important to set your expectations for the way the conversation is going to go. What do you want the outcome to be if you ask for help? To be heard? For your partner to say sorry? Are you looking for some type of compromise? We could be looking for all kinds of things from this talk; the only “wrong” thing we could be looking for is to win or trap the other person. Remember, we are trying to compromise and/or be heard, not win or prove the other person is wrong.
Whatever you hope to get from this talk, remember that you cannot control what they say. You could perfectly say things, but the other person may not hear them as you intended. Conversations have two people, so you can only control one-half of the conversation. These talks with our partners are really just the beginning of more open communication and trust. That is the goal.
So, we are going to want to think about what we want to say and how we want to say it. But it’s important to remember that with any conversation, there are no guarantees. But by just saying our peace, there is some level of healing that happens.
Importance of “I” statements
Even though there are no guarantees about how this conversation will go, we can plan to do a few things that will help you communicate as effectively as possible.
One of the most important strategies for communicating effectively is using “I” statements. Sometimes, in tough, emotionally charged conversations, we can slip into “you” statements. These can cause the other person to feel accused and defensive.
Our goal isn’t to make them feel bad or feel defensive, it’s for you to be heard. So what are “I” statements?
“I” statements are pretty much what they sound like. Besides the obvious of containing “I”, they focus on YOUR experience and YOUR feelings. Commons starts to I statements are I am, I feel, and I want. For more examples, do a quick Google Search.
See how they are all focusing on our stuff? Instead of pointing the finger elsewhere, we are pointing the finger at ourselves.
Importance Of Effective Communication
This is an effective communication strategy because people can always argue or dispute the statement “You are the reason I feel like a failure”. But if we change that into an I statement, “I feel like a failure when you say _____ because I ____”, the focus is more on our own feelings. It is much harder for someone to say your feelings are wrong.
So before you start this talk, take some time to sit with your thoughts. It is really hard to use “I” statements if we haven’t taken the time to think about how we are being affected. We need to make sure we are pointing our finger at ourselves, not at the other person. After you think of these things, practice putting them into words.
To give yourself the biggest chance for success, practice putting words to these feelings beforehand. As a therapist, I know how hard it can be to put words to gross feelings. That’s why I want you to practice.
How To Start It
After you have figured out what you want to say, the next step is to start the conversation. After all, there is only so much planning we can do, right? I think just starting the conversation is one of the most intimidating steps.
If you are nervous, don’t worry; that is completely normal. This stuff is hard. These things that are uncertain or that we can’t control are really anxiety-provoking.
You have put in a lot of effort so far; don’t stop now. So have you put any thought into how you want to start the conversation? If you have, that’s awesome. My number one rule is that you start it in a way that is you. People are smart; they will know if you are trying something that isn’t authentic to who you are.
If you aren’t used to letting down those walls, you may be looking for some suggestions. I will give you some different strategies for starting the conversation, it is up to you to pick the one that is the most authentic to you. Remember, if you have a way to start it that I don’t talk about, as long as it follows the rules I outline, you are all set. If you want me to add it to this list so others can know about it, send me an email and let me know!
Strategies For Starting the Conversation
“At some point today, could we talk about…”
This strategy is great because it lets the other person know that you have something you want to talk about. It may also be a good choice for you if you are nervous about jumping right into the conversation, it almost gives you both a little time to prepare. Some of you may not like this strategy because that looming talk may be elevating your anxiety all day.
“I had something I wanted to talk to you about, I have been struggling with …”
Of all the options, this is the most direct way to start your talk. This is a great strategy because it puts all of your cards on the table. This may feel a little uncomfortable for those of you who are used to playing with your cards close to your chest. But of all the options, this is the most direct, honest, and transparent strategy. If you aren’t one for beating around the bush, this is one may be for you. A little warning though, depending on what your goal for the talk is, the other person may not really know how to respond. Since it is more direct, they may feel put on the spot a little.
“I have been feeling pretty ___ lately.”
This is a much more casual way of starting the conversation. This has its pros and cons. It will be easier for you to start the conversation, but you could potentially be underplaying the intensity of what you have been feeling. If you choose this strategy, be sure that you continue to share how you are feeling. This strategy is the go-to option for those of you that need to dip your toes in first.
“I have been feeling pretty ___ lately, and I’m not sure how to talk about it.”
This strategy can be really powerful for people. A lot of the times the thing that stops us from talking about what is bothering us is that we don’t know how to, or we don’t have the words to describe it. This strategy gets that issue out in the open but also asks for help. My guess is if you have been struggling with something, the person you have been trying to tell has known something has been going on. This strategy gives them the invitation to help you.
Final Thoughts
There’s significant value in having tough conversations, especially when you ask for support from someone you trust or care deeply about. A cornerstone of a successful relationship is emotional intimacy, and these challenging discussions, including those where you ask for help, play a crucial role in building it.
When going into the conversation, remember that it is going to feel pretty awkward and vulnerable at first. But it will get better. When you are feeling this way, try to remember why you are having this talk in the first place; remember your goal for it.
I hope that by adopting these strategies authentically, your voice will be heard. While these conversations might be daunting, they are immensely rewarding. The greatest benefit you can gain is a deeper emotional connection with your partner, fostered by the courage to ask for help and the strength to build a more intimate relationship.
Until next time,
