It is a completely normal thing to find yourself not liking your current therapist. But once you realize that, what should you do? In this article, we will take a look at some things to consider about why you don’t like your therapist. I also think it is essential for me to talk a little about how therapists see this situation; the answer may surprise you.
If you find you don’t like your therapist or you are getting annoyed with them, the first thing you need to do is figure out why. Sit with those feelings and figure out if “their style isn’t for me,” “they push too hard,” or “they are just annoying.” Once you figure that out, actually talk with your mental health professional about it. We learn the most about ourselves from how we react to others. Even if you can’t resolve these feelings, the therapist can refer you to someone else they trust.
First, we need to figure out what is the reason behind why you don’t want your therapist or what is at the center of these annoyed and frustrated feelings.
Figure Out Why You Don’t Like Your Therapist
The first thing you may want to consider is why you don’t like them. It isn’t enough to just say, “I don’t like them” and move on to another therapist. Sure, that is probably the easiest thing to do. But I like to say that usually, the easiest thing to do isn’t the right thing. There is an awesome opportunity to learn something about yourself here!
So before you do anything like disengaging from therapy, try to figure out that ever-important “why.” Now is the time to get curious. What about your therapist is bothering you?
Some of the common complaints I have heard are “their style isn’t for me”, “they push too hard”, or “they are just annoying”. Are you able to break it down into one of these complaints?
Is Your “Stuff” Causing You To Not Like Them?
Now let’s take it another step further. When someone is bothering us, it is usually because of some of our past experiences. If someone is bothering you and you don’t know why, there is some important information there to be uncovered.
It may feel a little silly at first, but I want you to sit down, take a step back, and think about what is bothering you about your therapist, or what makes you don’t like your therapist. At the beginning of this process, it may seem a little foggy. But after being mindful and intentional about it, you will be able to get more specific with what it is that is bothering you. This will help you verbalize what is going on.
After you have that “thing” pinned down, it’s time to talk with your therapist about it.
“What!? He wants me to talk to my therapist about it?!?!?” I know, I know, that probably does not sound like an enjoyable conversation. But remember what I said earlier about hard things? That means there is a lot of potential benefit for you!
Talk About It With Them
The whole point of trying to figure out what was bothering you was for this. It was all to get you to the point where you could talk about it. At the end of the day, you may still want a different therapist. And again, that is totally okay. But by at least talking with them about this stuff, the result will be the most beneficial for you.
If you are willing to have an open conversation with your therapist about these feelings, you may be surprised at what you can learn about yourself. We can learn the most about ourselves from our reactions to others.
I feel a little bit like a broken record by this point, but it is entirely possible that this annoyed feeling isn’t actually because of your therapist; it may be our stuff going on. If you can talk with your therapist about this… that would be awesome! There is a lot of profound insight to be had there. But you won’t get this insight if you aren’t willing to sit with that awkward feeling.
So you talked with your mental health professional, and things still don’t feel right. Now what? Even if you still insist on getting a new therapist, your current one will be able to make a recommendation or referral to someone they feel may be more what you are looking for.
What Is This Like From A Therapist’s Perspective?
If you have ever had to have a conversation like this, it can feel daunting and nerve-wracking. To try to ease your mind, I want to take a few minutes, as a therapist, to describe our point of view.
We Know We Aren’t The Perfect Match For Everyone
As therapists, we know that there are very few sure things in therapy and life. One of the few sure things is that we are not the perfect match for every client. We 100% understand that there are going to be some clients that just don’t jive with our style. That is entirely okay, and we expect that. For those that we don’t jive with, we want to be able to refer you to clinicians you feel you would fit with better.
This brings me to the second major point. We may be good, but we aren’t psychic.
We Aren’t Mind-Readers, We Want To Know
This is why you have seen me say over and over that you must start that conversation. We may be good, but we can not read your mind. If something is getting in the way of building a strong therapeutic relationship we want to know.
Once you let us know, we can talk with you about it. Now, this part is my opinion. I am big on empowerment. If you can find it in yourself to bring it up to me (or your therapist) that things aren’t going well, that is HUGE! That takes a lot of bravery. If you can build up the courage to have this conversation, you are going to be successful in therapy.
When a client brings these things up to me in session, I get excited because it is an awesome opportunity for both of us to learn. My hope is that this conversation will end up resolving those ruptures in the therapeutic relationship. But if it doesn’t, or you don’t want to, we therapists are still well-suited to help.
We Know Our Area, If We Can’t Help, We Know Someone Who Can
If those feelings still can’t be resolved, chances are that your current therapist has a vast network. Part of our job is to know the area we work and the other professionals around us. So, if we still can’t resolve those issues, the therapist will have a good idea of who to refer you to.
This is especially true because you’ve already been working with the therapist for a while. This means they also know you pretty well and know what you are trying to achieve. This means that the chances are they have a good idea of a colleague that will be able to help you achieve your goals.
Again, therapists can’t help in any of these ways unless you start that conversation. I will often hear of clients who stopped going to therapy because they didn’t like their therapist. They just kind of stopped going. That is too bad because when they just suddenly disengage, they don’t even get to benefit from their therapist’s knowledge of other providers that may be able to help.
Final Thoughts
What I want you to take away from this article is simple. When we feel annoyed in life or certain things are bothering us, that usually means it is our stuff. If a therapist is bothering you or you don’t like your therapist, this is the perfect chance to talk with them about it!
They know that they can’t be the best match for everyone. Even if they can’t help you via therapy, they are ready to help you by referring you to someone they know in the area who may be better suited to help you out.
There is a lot to be gained from verbalizing with your therapist if something doesn’t feel right. My hope is that you will read this and feel empowered to have that conversation with them. At the very least, you will get some benefit from it!
Until next time,
