Today I wanted to write about a topic that I see many people working on, self-compassion or being more self-compassionate —being nice to ourselves. For many, this can be one of the hardest things to do. By the end of this article, you will have a good idea of what self-compassion is, why it can be beneficial to work on it, and how you can work on it once you have made the brave decision to confront the parts of yourself you would like to improve.
Self-compassion is similar to self-acceptance in that they both acknowledge our strengths and potential for growth. To increase your self-compassion, you can either practice Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on yourself or see a therapist. Having someone like a therapist who can help challenge your thinking and help you see things in new ways can be really helpful. Challenging ourselves to move past those automatic thoughts with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is how we can grow to live more authentic and satisfying lives.
First, it would probably be helpful if I talk quickly about what self-compassion is.
What is Self-Compassion?
If I were to summarize self-compassion in a single sentence, it would be this: Being self-compassionate is the act of not being a jerk to yourself.. or just simply being nice to yourself.
We all have this little voice in our heads. It is like a critic that only we can hear. This is a completely normal thing. Depending on the stuff we have lived through, this voice can sound different for everyone. This internal critic plays a huge role in being self-compassionate.
Some things that critics could say are “Why did you even try? You can’t compete with them”, “you could have done better”, “next time you can do better”, or “that wasn’t your best effort, was it?”. Notice how all of these have different levels of intensity and criticism? When working on becoming more self-compassionate, we are just trying to take a little of that critic’s sting away.
I wrote a full article on self-compassion earlier. If you want more information about it, check out the article here. In my own humble opinions, I think it is at least worth a look.
How Can Therapy Help Increase My Self-Compassion?
If the example you just read had you thinking, “oh wow, my critic is pretty mean too”, not to worry. I am here to tell you that it is completely possible to become more self-compassionate and silence (or soften) that internal critic. This is where therapy can help.
While it is completely possible to make progress on your own, going to a therapist for a few sessions with the focus of self-compassion will get you headed on the right path. It can be helpful to have someone separate from yourself, hear what you have to say, and offer different perspectives.
Where Does Our Internal Critic Come From and How Can Therapy Help Quiet It?
As we go through our lives, we hear all kinds of different messages from the people around us. Whether it is from our parents, friends, partners, or coworkers, we hear them all. Good and bad. Eventually, we internalize those messages. This is the tricky part. We often don’t realize those messages (again, good and bad) have been internalized. It’s often these messages that turn into our “critics”.
When focusing on this stuff in therapy, your therapist can help you identify what that critic is saying. After you are able to identify what it is saying, you will have a choice to make. Is that critic talking in a way you want, or do you want to change what it is saying?
From experience, it can be pretty eye-opening when you discover that critic is saying without you even realizing it. If you decide you want to change it, having a neutral party who understands and accepts you unconditionally for who you are will help empower you to make the changes you want from yourself.
Having that person can help you identify when you are saying unhelpful things to yourself (negative self-talk). This stuff can be hard to catch at first because you have probably been doing it for so long.
You do not NEED a therapist to do this work, though. That being said, (again speaking from experience) sometimes we need another person to hold us accountable. If you are able to hold yourself accountable and have a lot of self-awareness, you can begin to make some of these changes yourself.
How to Increase Self-Compassion and Silence That Critic By Yourself
A lot of what I am talking about in this article is based on something called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a pretty popular “modality” or strategy to improve positive self-talk and decrease that negative internal critic. If you want to look further into it, you will want to search things called intermediate beliefs and core beliefs. These are what we are talking about here.
The cool thing about CBT is that we can do it ourselves. There are plenty of workbooks out there that are called “self-therapy guides”. If you have the motivation and discipline to stick with these, you can totally make some of these changes you want for yourself on your own. TherapistAid.com has a lot of great worksheets on this.
CBT tends to use a lot of worksheets to help us gain insight and notice the patterns in our lives. This is where your path will begin. Go ahead and read this article and do the activity. This worksheet will help you notice what that internal critic is saying, help you decide if these are helpful things it’s saying, and show you how to push back against these thoughts.
At the end of the day, that is how we can increase our self-compassion. By pushing back against our own critical or judgemental thoughts towards ourselves, we can replace those thoughts with ones that are helpful and productive.
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, my hope is that you see it is completely normal to have that internal critic. For some, that critic is louder than others. And that is okay. By becoming more compassionate towards ourselves, we are making a choice not to listen to that critic (which we all share).
By not listening to that critic and accepting ourselves, we are able to more successfully live the lives we want to. If that critic isn’t too loud, it is totally possible to start pushing back against it and becoming more self-compassionate on your own.
If that critic is loud for you, and it is all you have ever known, having a therapist you trust can help you make great strides. Sometimes having that other person to trust and hold us accountable is what we need. A quick search of therapists in your area will show plenty of therapists who would be honored to help you on your journey.
Until next time,
